While I (grudgingly) admit that I do like the song from Frozen, I also admit that inwardly I cringe when I hear someone say “Just let it go” or “You have to move past this (or on with your life)”. Well-intentioned, but it also sends messages like: “We’re tired of hearing about this”, “We don’t understand what you’re going through”, “You should be past this by now”. It can feel as though we think there must be something wrong with that person.
Saying these things invalidates what someone is going through and when we say them, what they’re hearing is that we don’t care, we don’t want to hear about it anymore, there must be something wrong with them, that they’re alone, and that no one understands them.
How do you feel when you get those messages from people? Anxious or Alone? Confused or Hopeless? Scared that there’s something wrong with you, or worse – that it can’t be fixed, you’ll never be happy again? Do you start doubting yourself, what you’ve done, the choices you’ve made, the people around you, and worry more about being able to handle whatever’s to come?
There’s a reason we sometimes need to let go of emotions, people, situations, ideas, things, etc., but it isn’t always easy and we can’t always do it ourselves. There are some amazing resources in this world that can help, but EFT is one of the fastest, most effective tools – and once you’ve learned the basic technique and been guided correctly, it’s with you always! You carry powerful tools with you everywhere you go, and use them every single day – you, and your own two hands (for tapping!). Remember we can help, but as the friend or family member, so can you! Not just having them book a session for themselves, but with Surrogate Tapping. Surrogate Tapping is just putting yourself “in their shoes” and using EFT on yourself for their sake!
So next time a family member or friend starts to frustrate or annoy you, talking about the same thing yet again – whether or not it’s something that can be changed – stop for a minute before you say anything. Think about what this relationship, this person, means to you, and decide whether you want to help them feel better, to help them “move on” like they may need to do, or whether you just want to keep the status quo. If you decide you want to help, try the following steps/ideas, and watch the difference it can make!
Pay attention to what has been said to you, listen for emotions that have been expressed and to what you’re hearing about feelings that may not have been verbalized. Watch for facial expressions, changes in body language, and for anything being held back. Consider how you would feel if you were in the same situation or something similar. Maybe you’ve been there exactly!
Think about those things and consider them. What did you hear? What did you see? What did you feel from that person? And how would you feel if it were you? Then ask yourself if you think you understand how your loved one is feeling. Now, if you do understand, tell them! Tell that person what you’re hearing, that you understand! Learn to say, “I understand, I’d be feeling X too, if I were in that situation (insert appropriate emotion word – or words! – for X)” or “It sounds like you’re really X, and for good reason…it was (insert whatever works here: rude of them, disrespectful, inconsiderate, wrong, hurtful, insensitive, whatever it was in that situation!)”.
See how different the conversation goes now! Be careful, as sometimes we commiserate by sharing experiences we think are the same or similar, and we’ve turned the focus back to ourselves when it should be on the other person. That can build rapport, because they know you “get it”, but it can seem like apples to oranges to them or like you only care about yourself.
Sometimes our own “baggage” and/or agenda can interfere with our relationships with other people, whether we realize it or not – or want it to! My mother, with the best of intentions, always advised me to “Consider the source” and “Think about what that person might be going through.” I understood what she meant, and it’s a good idea, but it hurt. It felt dismissive, like I was wrong to be upset to have been treated so rudely, so disrespectfully for no reason, and even sent me the message that it was selfish to feel that way when I didn’t understand what that person. It felt like a slap in the face really, and over time, it wore at our relationship.
Remember a time that something bothered you so much that it was all you could focus on or talk about? Maybe you could see it happening and felt helpless to stop focusing on it – even frustrated or angry about it. Maybe you could tell people around you didn’t want to hear about it anymore. Maybe you felt angry with yourself, to let something have so much control over you, that it took up so much of your time and energy. Maybe you even felt out of control, like your mind went there without your consent. It’s possible you’re there right now yourself! Ever wonder what helped you move on, to get past that, to feel better again? My guess is, you felt better because someone (or more than one someone), “got you” – they understood how you felt and validated that. They let you know it’s normal to feel however we feel, and that they were there with you, supporting you, giving you a safe place to let go.
Once we feel understood and validated, we feel less alone, less “crazy”, less anxious, hurt, confused, angry, etc., and it is truly cathartic. And once we let it go, we start to find ourselves on a truly different path – going anywhere we want to go!
Tap Into Empowerment 